Stress & Dreams

I don't lead a particularly stressful life. Hard to believe, I know. In fact, I've found I'm very good at preventing myself from getting stressed out--or even being in situations where stress might appear. Whenever I have a job where I'm expected to do more than I can do in the time allotted, I simply do my best--and I don't let the potential stress of a situation get to me. In fact, the most stress I ever have usually involves anticipation. When I'm waiting for something exciting, or worried about doing something I'm not familiar with (or is out of my "comfort zone"), those are probably the times when I feel the most stress--once I'm in the situation, they no longer bother me and I usually enjoy them.

I think that because I don't let myself get stressed out much, my subconscious must feel the need to cause me stress in my dreams. Last night I had a particularly rough dream.



I was granted a small roll in the second act of a play. It wasn't much, but it did have a fairly sizable monologue--in fact, that one monologue was my only part. But for some reason I kept putting off learning my lines. And I never had a rehearsal. I kept thinking "I'll learn my lines tomorrow", then, the morning of the play, I think "eh, it's a small part, I'll learn the monologue on the way to the theater"--though I didn't. Then I think "I'll learn it during the first act.". But I sit down with my parents to watch the first act of the play and I don't bother with the lines (why I'm in the audience watching a play I'm about to be in in the first place is beyond me). When the first act is about to wrap up a page (or she might have been an assistant director) comes and gets me. It's about now that I start to panic. I'm about to go on stage and I have no idea what to say--in fact, I never even once read over my monologue, so I don't even know what it's about. And I realize I left my script at home. So as the page (or AD) is pulling me backstage by the arm, I whisper to her "do you by any chance have a spare script I can go over real quickly?" And she responds "it's a little late to be practicing your lines--you go on in just over a minute." So at this point I'm just about having a full-fledged panic attack, and I tell her "okay, hang on a sec", and I dart away from her real quick before she can stop me or say anything. I quickly run back to my seat, grab my backpack, stuff my sweater in it while telling my parents "I'll meet up with you later", and I run. I slip out the side door, find a sewer entrance, and run as fast as is humanly possible through a drain-pipe. I keep running and running until I can't run any more, and then I push on further. I know I just ruined the whole production, but the only thing I can think of is that I have to get as far away as possible. I could've gone on stage and ad-libbed, or told someone, or something--but no, I ran.

All I can say is that my fight-or-flight response has always been heavily weighted toward flight. Whenever, throughout my entire life, I have felt like something is just too much--I leave. I run, or I quit, or I move. I don't try to resolve the problem, or improve somehow, I just vanish. Eventually, in the dream, the page-AD lady catches up to me in the storm drain. And I've never felt so ashamed in my life. I can't even look her in the eye as I apologize and try to make excuses. Never in my life have I been as stressed out and miserable as I was in that dream.

I can only assume I had this dream because I was feeling unprepared for my audition today--which was an epic failure, by the way. They advertised the audition as an open casting call, but when I got there they told me it was by appointment only. They were nice enough, though, to take my headshot/resume and tell me that they might be adding another day of auditions and they'd see about maybe having me come then. And they didn't laugh hysterically at me (at least not on the outside), which was nice. If I had gotten to audition and never been given a callback, I would've been totally fine with that. But to get all prepared and not even be given the chance to read left me with a sour taste in my mouth.



Within the last week or so I've actually had two other really stressful dreams--I can't remember one of them, but the other one I still remember clearly. It was my wedding day, and I was going to marry this nameless, faceless, beautiful girl who I was madly in love with. I've never been in love with anyone in real life half as much as I was in love with this girl. I would've done anything for her. I remember I was wearing my tux, and she was in her wedding dress (why I saw her in her dress before the wedding, I couldn't say), but she was missing this broach that she planned to wear. She thought she left it in her car, and asked me to fetch it for her. I jumped at the chance--just being given the opportunity to do something that would make her happy was ecstasy for me. So I ran to the car, got the broach, but by the time I got back, she was gone. Her mom stood there with a smirk on her face. Now, her mom never liked me. It was never anything personal against me, I know, but her mom was Korean (which was odd considering she was Caucasian), and she really wanted her daughter to marry a Korean boy. In fact, she had already picked out the Korean boy and brought him to the wedding (what's even more odd is that my subconscious chose the mom to be Korean--I feel no ill-will toward Koreans, so I can't imagine why that ethnicity was chosen to be causing me consternation). But she didn't just bring him to the wedding--she and the boy had kidnapped my fiancee in an attempt to keep us from getting married. I still didn't dislike the two--I understood it on the mother's part as just her wanting what was best for her daughter, and the Korean guy was more or less an unwitting participant that just did whatever my fiancee's mom told him to do. But I was worried about my future wife, and wanted her back desperately, but I didn't want to attack her mom (because I feared that would make my fiancee mad), so I grabbed the boy and started beating the crap out of him until he would tell me where they took her ('boy' may be misleading--he was as old as I am). I distinctly remember squishing the boy between a glass door and a wall and punching the glass at his face (I didn't want to do serious damage to him or anything), and then I woke up.

It was a very odd dream. I can't for the life of me imagine where it came from. I am not currently in love with anyone, nor do I have any interest in getting married any time soon (and very little interest in getting married ever). So it's strange to have such raw emotions--especially when they don't exist for me in the real world.

I wish I could remember the other stressful dream I had last week--the only thing I remember about it was it was much more violent...and bloody.

Berta and I on another exciting adventure!

After the success of my last trip with Berta (that 60-mile ride to Malibu and back), I really wanted to go again soon. However I knew at the very least I'd need a couple of days to heal (I could barely walk). Furthermore, things were complicated by the weather not being ideal. It got really windy (so windy it was hard for me to sleep on my boat one night), and/or overcast and/or rainy. This weekend was expected to be one of the nicest weekends with minimal wind, no clouds in the sky, and perfect weather. Well, the weather prophets were right! This weekend has been just gorgeous. In fact, I overheard a couple of guys commenting how it'll never be this nice in the summer. Which I fully expected--I know the summers here can get HOT! Which, actually, I tend to enjoy. The one thing I remember about being in LA as a kid was enjoying wearing shorts at night. You can't do that many other places--including LA this time of year. Hawaii is one of the only other places that I found I'm super-comfortable in shorts day or night, year round.

So anyway, yesterday I decided I wanted to bike up the coastline to Rancho Palos Verdes to see the Wayfarers Chapel. Also known as the Glass Church. For those of you that don't know, it's a Chapel dedicated to Emanuel Swedednborg--the creator of the Swedenborgian Church--and was designed by the architect Lloyd Wright (son of Frank Lloyd Wright). It's a very beautiful chapel set up on the cliffs above the ocean in Rancho Palos Verdes. It's a very common place for weddings (in fact, there was one going on when I got there today!)

As I said, I was heading up the hills toward the church, but it was crazy difficult! I wasn't sure what was going on, but simply biking along the level straightaways was more difficult--and going up hills was way harder than I expected. I was beginning to wonder if I had regressed backward during that week or so that I hadn't biked. But it was odd because it seemed even harder than the first time I biked after years of having not. So I wasn't sure what was going on. After I tackled a particularly difficult hill and was riding down the other side, I looked back and noticed Berta's back tire was wobbling. I stopped, flipped the bike over, and peddled. I figured out what the problem was--for some reason the wheel was either mis-aligned or warped and it was causing it to rub against the breaks, making me have to do a significantly larger amount of work simply to ride. I was trying to figure out if I had actually bent the rim or if I just needed to re-align, when another biker (one of those guys wearing the spandex and on a super-nice street bike) stopped to help me out. I told him what was going on and he said it might be a busted spoke. Sure enough, after looking at it for just a couple seconds it became obvious.



The biker asked me if I knew how to loosen my break, and I did, so he said that I could probably ride it like that to a repair shop. Let me tell you, after loosening that break, things went MUCH better. I was glad to find I hadn't lost all my leg strength.

Anyway, that was what I did next--I biked to a repair shop. The nearest one was only a couple miles away, but they said I'd have to leave the bike overnight. I didn't want to do that, so I biked to the one that was within a mile of my boat (and car), and left it overnight there instead--then walked home. They actually finished it just before closing, so I was able to pick it up and have it ready for the next day to try again.

This morning (and by morning, I mean when I woke up--slightly after noon) things went off without a hitch! Berta grabbed her gear:



And off we went. We made our first stop at what appeared to be some kind of kite-flying festival toward the south side of Redondo beach. It's kinda hard to tell, but those are kites in the background.



When we reached the end, there's a very steep hill that takes you up to the road. There's a sign on it that specifically reads "ABSOLUTELY NO SKATING, BIKING, ... EXTREMELY STEEP HILL ... AVOID INJURIES TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS". Sure enough, it was a steep-friggin' hill. You can't tell how steep it is as well from this picture as I'd like, but I was only able to ride up about half way. I got a nice shot of Berta catching her breath.



After, we went along the road where there are a lot more ups and downs than I'm used to from biking that path along the ocean. We stopped most of the way up a particularly long hill because Berta saw some beautiful daisies and nasturtiums in this guy's yard, and thought I might like to stop for a snack.







There were some sweepingly beautiful vistas from the cliffs we were riding along.





We saw a lighthouse and just had to stop. Sadly, they wouldn't let us in.



After about 12 miles, we finally made it! (That's the visitor's center in the background, not the Chapel. The visitors center, however, was designed by Lloyd Wright's son, Erik Lloyd Wright).



Sadly, they didn't like Berta's kind there, so she had to hang out by the trash can.



The chapel and the grounds are very beautiful. There's a rose garden out back, along with a grass amphitheater, and a river-thingy.









I was sitting, admiring the roses and taking pictures. When I tried to take a picture of the giant column-spire-tower-thingy, I noticed the sun was exactly over the top. It was quite a picture--and completely random. It made for a lucky shot.





The front had a beautiful fountain, and a lawn with gorgeous sweeping views of the ocean and cliffs--and Catalina island in the background (you may be able to see it in some of these pictures). Not to mention the chapel itself, which is very small, but still beautiful.





Apparently they transplanted some northern California coastal redwoods to surround the church, as well as for the wood in the architecture. The concrete on the bottom is a slight greenish color, and the ceiling tiles are a slightly blueish color. Lloyd Wright wanted to make it seem like nature inside and out. And it is quite an amazingly well-done job if I do say so myself.

On the way back Berta and I stopped for a delicious meal. I love how they offer to put avocado on the Subway sandwiches here!



While this trip wasn't quite half the length of my sixty-mile adventure to Malibu and back, I think it was harder and wore me out more. The trip to Malibu was pretty much entirely flat (except for the last ten or so miles--which were a low-grade incline). This trip, however, had a great many hills. So I was constantly going up a steep hill, then down, then up, then down. It really wore me out. Not to even mention the winds coming off the cliffs that blew me about.

But all in all it was a great trip! I think Berta enjoyed herself too :)

Why I won't be buying an iPad (and it's too bad too!)

Being a vagabond sometimes seems at odds with my love of technology. One of my favorite things to do when I wasn't nomadic was set up an amazing media server in my room long before DVR's and media servers were mainstream (I guess media servers are still pretty rare). But I've always had a love for technology and gadgets--despite my trying to live a minimalist lifestyle. I've been saying for a while now "if I could carry everything I own on my back, I'd be happy." Which I truly mean. I like being so mobile that I can up and leave at any moment without a second thought. Things like cars, houses, desktop computers and tv's frequently get in the way of my desire to live a mobile lifestyle. And gadgets--ahhh gadgets--are of particular difficulty. I love them so much, I do. It must be my inner, unfulfilled electronics engineer in me that loves these little pieces of technology so much. But, in order to carry all my possessions on my back, I have to keep things to a minimum. Sometimes technology helps with this, and sometimes these gadgets add up to a great quantity of stuff.



I love the idea of the iPad. I know it's nothing overly new--the iPhone was an amazing new piece of technology, they revolutionized touchscreens and created multi-touch--whereas the iPad is more of a mix of things--not really revolutionizing anything. Aaron Vronko from Rapid Repair may have said it best "the iPad is ... not way better than any other device that has come before it ... based on what was shown. It’s not a better e-Reader than Amazon’s Kindle, its not a better computer than the MacBook Air, so far there is not one thing that’s better than everything else.

As a vagabond, I'm drawn to the idea of a laptop that is so small, easily available, and doesn't have moving parts (no top to open and close--can literally be used like a magazine). In this the iPad is like a dream. Functionality, on the other hand, leaves just a couple of things to be desired. So like Mac, to be so very, very close to everything I want, and yet coming up short. I'm sure there's a perfectly apt sports metaphor that would fit nicely, but not being a sports guy, I can't think of it. Maybe something about striking out on the bottom of the ninth? (that's a thing, right?)

My biggest, BIGGEST problem with the iPad is almost identical to one of the first problems I had with the iPhone. When I bought my iPhone I was hoping I'd be able to entirely replace my computer with it. It's so functional, it seems like it could be a perfect substitute. But sadly, no. The iPhone, like the iPad lists a computer under system requirements! In order to activate it, and, to restore it after a crash are the two primary reasons why you need a computer. Unlike a laptop or desktop, you can't just put in the recovery CD and re-format. Nope, they require a computer. So if I buy an iPad thinking I can replace my laptop with it, if it ever crashed I'd be in big trouble. I suppose I could take it to a mac store and ask them to restore it, but I'm not 100% sure they'd do that.

If I were independently wealthy, I'd be much more inclined to buy an iPad and replace my computer with it. Mostly because a big part of what I use my laptop for is torrenting to watch tv shows I missed (since I don't have a tv, and Hulu doesn't always carry all of them). I know the iTunes store has individual tv shows for sale pretty quickly after they air (at least I think they do...I can't say as I've ever researched it since I'm not willing to pay $1.99 to watch a tv show), as well as movies, music--everything! If I was willing to spend decent amounts of money, I'd totally buy the iPad and then watch all my movies and TV shows through the iTunes store and stop using bittorrent and Hulu. Or, better yet, if netflix were available (you know, their instant streaming) and/or iTunes offered a monthly subscription service (all the streaming tv, movies and music you want for one low price!), I'd be all over it.

Why they couldn't fit a tiny little DVD burner in there too is beyond me. That would be PERFECT! I could rent a DVD from redbox and watch it on my iPad, and then return it. Actually, if they offered unlimited downloads with subscription, I guess I wouldn't need that. Wait, I take that back, what if I'm somewhere with no wifi and no cell signal and I want to watch a movie. Yeah, I'd want a DVD player. Plus, it would be nice to be able to burn files to a disk, or at the very least put them onto a usb port so I could transfer them to another computer. I imagine the iPad will have some kind of MS Office capabilities, or some other office-type program. I suppose I could do everything with email, but sometimes you just want portability.

Really the biggest things I do with my laptop--office programs, internet surfing, watching media--are all available on the iPad. I also would like them to make an Adobe Photoshop program that would work on it--I know that's asking a lot since Photoshop takes a lot of CPU power--as well as being highly functional. But that's it. Seriously. Just about all I use my laptop for is surfing the net, writing things, media, photoshop, and bittorrent. And would be happy stopping using bittorrent if iTunes offered a subscription (and wasn't missing things I want to watch--like they currently don't have the amazing British tv show Hustle--which was very disappointing).

So let's recap--the only 3 reasons I can think of why I won't be buying an iPad:

1) Needs a computer.

2) Doesn't offer iTunes/Netflix subscription service (and I'm not independently wealthy).

3) No DVD burner (or even USB for data transfer!)

That's it! That's how close Mac came to replacing my laptop with an iPad. To do you one better, I'd probably even scrap my iPhone if the iPad met those three requirements. I bet someone could easily create a jailbroken app (once they jailbreak the iPad--which you know is going to happen) that would allow VOIP even when not on wifi (programs like skype currently allow VOIP to work--but not via the edge or 3g network). I could totally carry it around with me everywhere, listen to tunes with my bluetooth stereo headset, use the VOIP app to make calls when I need, and probably set up a voicemail account (those are pretty cheap) that would push notifications to me on my iPad whenever someone called. I wonder if there's a way I could get texts too...

Oh, I guess a couple of the things I mentioned I'd like my iPhone to do would be nice too--like have a bigger hard drive, have a webcam for videoconferencing, and be able to be used with whatever carrier I choose (I'm not certain, but I imagine the 3g version will only be available on AT&T like the iPhone). But none of those things would be prohibitive.

I bet they'll make a DVD burner adapter for it--so that might not be too big an issue. And if they do allow video streaming sites like Hulu & Netflix to work, then maybe I would be okay with the lack of iTunes subscription service too... Hmmm...



Post Script: I really like the carrying case for it (above).

My love/hate relationship with my iPhone

I love my iPhone. I swear I do. Despite how much I love it, I've strongly considered replacing it many times. There are just too many things about Apple and AT&T that piss me off. Here's what I'd like to see in terms of functionality of a new iPhone:

1) Make it bigger. I know this seems odd, but it's true, I'd like my phone a little bigger. The reason for that is, when I'm watching a movie or a tv show or something on it, the screen is just a little too small. It's a good size now, but if we made it big enough for five icons across and six icons down, that would make me happier. It'd still be small enough to comfortably fit in my pocket, but it'd be a little bigger so I could enjoy the video capabilities of it more.

2) Make it thicker. Weird, right? I don't want it much thicker, but just enough to add a decent camera lens on the back. The camera is actually pretty decent as it is, but if you upgraded it from its current 3 megapixel to a 5-10 megapixel camera with an optical zoom lens and a flash I would just love you forever. If you could somehow turn it into a SLR, that'd be even better. Then I could ditch my Canon altogether (which I love dearly, mind you), and just carry around a bag of awesome lenses that attach directly to my iPhone. I realize this is just a pipe dream and will never-ever happen, but it'd be my dream.

3) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ALLOW INTERNET TETHERING! I bought my 3GS a year ago because they advertised it as allowing internet tethering. I should've read the fine print because I didn't realize it would say "Not available in the US" after that feature in the very bottom of the screen in a light-gray color on the white background. REALLY pissed me off when I read that--after having bought the damn phone. Now mind you, I was able to jailbreak it, unlock it, and then add the tethering functionality, but FRAK that's annoying! Furthermore, because it was a 3rd party hack, I found it to be glitchy and unreliable. Eventually my iPhone crashed and I had to restore it to the new 3.1.3 factory defaults that are currently un-jailbreakable. So I'm left without my tethering functionality--AGAIN! On top of this, I'd really like to be able to make my iPhone into a mobile wifi hotspot like the Palm Pre advertises. The reason Palm Pre's hotspot is retarded is because they require you to pay a higher monthly service if you plan to activate that software on your phone! How stupid! I'm paying for "unlimited data" plan, but they limit the unlimited use! How scamy! Anyway, so that's what I'd like--tethering that works with usb, bluetooth, and/or wifi routing. Should be easy enough software to make, now JUST FRAKING DO IT!

4) A bigger hard-drive. Yes, my 32gb is awesome--four times bigger than anything else offered by any other phones. But that space is eaten up in a hurry when you put on a bunch of movies, tv shows and music. I have 20,000 songs on my hard drive--I can't even fit half of those on my iPhone--and that's without any videos! I would love it to have something along the line of 1tb data storage, but I realize that's pushing it, so I'd settle for 120gb.

5) A faster processor and more memory. Something along the lines of a 1ghz processor and 1ghz memory would be nice. I'm always up for making the machine faster.

6) SD card port. I could probably deal with having a smaller internal data storage if they'd allow me an expansion slot.

7) Native GPS turn by turn directions. I realize that you can buy a garmin app or something like that, but to have something that's integrated into the already awesome google maps would be nice.

8) UNLOCK! Damn it's annoying that you shell out all this dough on a piece of equipment--and then you're regulated with how you can use it! If I want to pull it apart and use it as a paperweight I should be allowed to! Furthermore, if I want to pick apart your programming and customize it for my own personal use, I should be able to do that too! I realize you have this deal with AT&T, but to be able to tell me what carrier I can use my expensive phone on really pisses me off. I guess I'd be okay with it if it were unlockable after the service contract period. I get that you are selling a $600 device for $200 because it comes with a 2-year contract--so after those 2 years, you should let me put it on whoever's plan I want! Furthermore, the hardware is only designed to work on 850/1900/2100Mhz bandwiths, whereas t-mobile's 3g uses 1700/2100Mhz. So the iPhone is capable on AT&T as well as in Europe, but it will only work on t-mobile's edge, and it won't work on the CDMA networks at all. I'd really like it if they had built it as a quad-band 850/1700/1900/2100Mhz with CDMA capabilities and an unlock after the contract is up so I could pick my carrier. Of course, that's never going to happen.

9) Multitasking would be nice. I realize why the iPhone doesn't natively support this--running background apps will eat the battery and processor speed. But as the owner of the phone, I should really have the right to decide if I want to trade-off battery life for running multiple apps--not you. If you're so concerned about it, have a switch in the settings that disables backgrounding and have it factory-set to off. Then, only people that really want it will find it and enable backgrounding--thus limiting the number of people that will complain about battery life due to multitasking.

9) A detachable batter would be nice...I suppose. Personally, I've never had any problems with my battery crapping out on me, but I've heard of people who have.

10) One of the things I like about the Palm Pre is that they integrate a multi-touch touchscreen with a physical keyboard. I even like the placement. I would like a physical keyboard simply because I would like to be able to type or text without having to have my eyes plastered to the phone. On all my older phones I could always write a text by feel alone--so I could do it while driving, watching tv, whatever. I can't do that now because I can't feel my way around the virtual keyboard. Which is really annoying. If iPhone would add a qwerty keyboard that slids out of the bottom just like the pre's I'd really like that.

11) I have trouble taking self portraits on my iPhone. I can do it, but sometimes it's hard--part of the problem is that there's no screen or mirror on the back that helps me determine placement. The other problem is that the button to take a picture is not a physical button. So I have to hold the camera a little awkwardly to be able to tap the screen in the right place to take a self-portrait. So I'd like a physical button (or the ability to program one of the already-existent physical buttons) for taking pictures. A mirror or small screen that shows what I'm photographing would be nice. I'd also like a smaller, maybe lower-quality webcam on the front for video chat. I think that would be swell.

12) The last thing I can think of that I'd like is a better headset. The earbuds that come with the iPhone are actually pretty nice--I especially like the control function they have on them. But I've never been a huge fan of ear-buds. I prefer those headphones that clip around the ear. I'm seriously considering cutting and splicing my current earbuds to keep the functionality of the remote and adding the more comfortable headphones.

13) Oh! One other thing, I would like to have stereo bluetooth technology with the capability of listening to music over my stereo-bluetooth. I forgot about this originally because I think the iPhone might've already fixed this in one of their software updates. I don't have a stereo bluetooth, so I've never really checked to see. But when the time comes that I do get a stereo bluetooth, I'd like it to be functional with my iPhone.

Oh, and would it be too much to ask for it to be waterproof so I could take it with me and use it as an underwater camera when snorkeling?



As you can see from my quick photoshop hackjob above, my ideal iphone is a little bigger, has a webcam just above the ear-piece, and has a physical button for the camera on the bottom left side of the phone (kinda hard to see in this picture). I didn't render a keyboard, or my preferred camera on the back or anything--because I'm not really any good at photoshop, but this gives you a general idea.

If I had ever become an electrical engineer like I intended to, a modified iPhone would've been one of the first things I'd have made.